Thursday, August 8, 2013


Life can suck. I mean full-on holy whoa Where is my door to Narnia because then it isn't my world falling apart and at least there's some hope?! I've had some sucky, and not so sucky, days lately. Sometimes I just lay on my bed staring at my ceiling. But other times I found my way to A-Ok through some possibly weird ways that worked. Here's some you might want to try if Life is bombarding you with cows.

1. Sit there and listen to hilarious breakup songs. I don't care if you weren't broken up with, have never been broken up with, are actually happily in love. Remember the hilarious part, otherwise you might sit there getting even more upset. No listening to "I miss you so so much. You were the one for me! I just want you back!" No. Not even if you just went through that. No. 

Here's some examples:

50 Ways to Say Goodbye 
Smile - Lily Allen

Not much, I know, but I couldn't remember the ones I listened to... Also, angry break up songs (Taylor Swift has two great ones by the way).

2. Watch Rhett and Link videos
This also works really well with a friend. Laughter will come no matter what, but with a friend it's just great. We winded up taking dibs on them only to notice wedding rings on their fingers. *GASP*. Our hearts were broken. But they fixed them by making us laugh.
T Shirt War ( / Flint   Büro für Gestaltung)
If you're making the same face as Link, I'm with you

3. Lie on the floor.

No matter where you are. No matter what people may say. Just drop to the floor and lie there. This works especially well in bookstores.

I got this tip from one of my preschoolers. Whenever she doesn't want to do something and it becomes to unbearable, she doesn't throw a fit or scream or anything. She just *whomp* sprawls out on the floor and lays there. She doesn't get up unless she begins smiling right away.

(Okay. I actually had done that on a Barnes and Noble floor the day before I started up at work again. So the tip isn't from her, but I do completely agree with her methods. But shhhh. Don't tell the other T.A.s)

4. Roll around on your kitchen floor moaning about the most ridiculous things (unless your bad day is due to NOT having a kitchen floor). So nothing that's really the problem. If you are so busy and stresses about everything, I promise you, this will work. Once you get over any rolling on kitchen floor issues you have.

5. Talk to preschoolers.

Preferably ones you don't live with, as they can also be really cruel.

I was really tired and getting grumpy when I overheard a conversation between two girls in my class.

G1: I have to show you a picture. *shows last year's class picture* That's him.
G2: You loved him?
G1: Yeah. I have two husbands. I love them both. They are both named ___.
G2: *eyes widen*
G1: Two husbands with the same name! What is wrong with me? I need to fix my life!

Okay, so I am old enough to be your (young) mom, but I am not married to two guys with the same name (although that solves the accidentally saying the wrong name issue. She's smarter then we all think). So thus, it's all good. Also, I like the ABC cookies, so no throwing fits over having to eat something I don't like.

6.  Make faces at random strangers to see their reactions.

This should be self-explainable.

7. Watch old Disney shows. It's good to remember those good days of Disney Channel. There truly is something about Disney.

8. Watch Disney movies and sing the songs at the top of your lungs. Or just listen to the songs. My adopted little sister (who isn't really adopted. She still belongs to her birth mother. As far as I know anyway...) taught me this.

9. Watch Hercules and yell at the awful mythology.

(for starters, it should be Heracles. Yeahhh...)

10. Don't read my blog. It is so awful you'll just get more depressed. In fact you are probably crying right now.

A hamster chewing on your bad day

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Writerly Misery

I was thinking about relationships in books. Books nowadays don't like to focus on friendships. They don't really focus on family. They focus on some person to fall in love with. I kinda want to kick them all. I want the rawness of friendship. I want the issues families bring and some healing.

Then I thought further about the dumb relationship thing. Girls find themselves in guys. It's ridiculous. I want a book about a break up and a girl finding herself without the guy. The only book I can think of with a break-up would be Twilight. I don't think that counts as what I want...

Twilight - the story of a young woman’s choice to practice either bestiality or necrophilia.

So that doesn't leave me with much.

Guess what I do when something like that happens.

I WILL WRITE IT!!! I declare as I jump up and throw a fist up in the air.

Then I sit and go "What have I done??" Because do I really want to think about another writing project right now? Yes, no, maybe? I already have so many wonderful characters. They already have me sitting there weeping over the keyboard because holy owls, their stories are so awful. Do I really want to do this to myself?

Yes, Yes I do.

I don't really want the heartache and heart break of yet another character sweeping over me and drowning me, but to be able to craft a story that might touch someone's heart and give them what they are looking for, I will put myself through writerly misery. There's something wonderful about knowing I can tell stories and have characters I care about. I have others who care about them, too. If I can talk about them and have people's emotions involved, I can write about them, surely.

I will also put myself through weird looks from people as I cry over a breakup that's not my own. And as I flap around in public making sad noises because I just realized even more tragedy. And as I begin swimming in different ways to figure out how they sing. And when I say "I like your shirt. One of my characters has something like it."


Thursday, August 1, 2013

If I Were a Boy

Original Plan: Make a list of ridiculous things I would have done if my father had bothered to give me the Y chromosome (instead, his stupid sperm was a stupid X. And why do I know genetics??).

What happened: Went on Facebook, saw something entitled "44 Reasons Why You're Chandler Bing" ( Sat there reading them  going, yeah. I am Chandler Bing. Minus the bubble bath thing. I hate baths. Especially one with bubbles. I'd probably sit there looking like a cat with a shoe string.

I then decided that if I were a boy, I would be Chandler.

Final Plan: Tell what happened when I went to blog, then give ridiculous list anyway.

The List:

1. I would pee off mountains.

    Let's face it, as a female hiking can suck. Sure, the rocks are awesome to scramble over and the view is gorgeous and hiking can be the best place for inspiration, but when something tickles the bladder, I'm dancing around trying my best to hold it in for the next six hours. Peeing ain't fun. It's annoying and obnoxious Then, to make it worse, those guys I went with go prancing up the mountain, tell me to wait, and then scream to the land as they happily pee off the mountainside. Just because they can. Meanwhile I'm still dancing around secretly looking for a huge tree and wishing I had that freedom. So, yes, male me would be peeing off mountains all the freaking time.

Then there are goats. Who pee on mountains whenever in the heck they feel like it.

2. I would drive naked.
    Apparently a friend of mine did this. And because he was a guy, he got away with it. I am female. I have these ridiculous things called breasts. They make it completely inappropriate to drive without anything on top at all. Unless I'm in France. And, frankly, I don't really want to be entirely topless. But if I were a guy, I could drive around without a top and be comfortable doing so. And pray to God I didn't get into an accident where the police people showed up and I had to explain why the ambulance people pulled me out of the car in the nude.

3. I would have a hot girlfriend (read explanation please)

     I was lying on my friends' floor staring up at my legs when I announced that I want to be a guy so I can stroke my girlfriend's legs and they will be amazingly smooth and soft because she shaves, unlike my sometimes hairy self. Then my friend turned around and looked at me thoughtfully. Then said, as if it were a great epiphany that explained the world, "if you were a guy, your girlfriend would be HOT".
4. I would be an amazing boyfriend.
    My mom told me this. After I told her how if she weren't my mother I would slow dance with her at a Lumineers' concert then go on a moonlit walk by the river, followed by a mini-picnic.
   Either that or I'd make a pretty remember-able one-night stand (or whatever the asexual version of that is called).

5. I would wear my pants NOT saggy.

6. I would wear NOT SKINTIGHT pants.

Technically these fit 5. and 6. But um...

7. No parachute pants either

8. I would secretly cry during tear-jerkers
    Because as a guy, I would somehow be more sensitive than I am now.

9. I would have a beard. And a unibrow. Preferably those crazy wizard ones.
Like this.
10. And a mustache.
like this

11. I would go through the sci-fi section in Barnes and Noble and not get weird looks from employees.
    I guess females aren't allowed there or something? Unless they are gushing to their husbands about the book on smoothies they just found for half-off and OHMYWORD THERE IS KALE!!

12. Most importantly: I would hit on girls with ridiculous pick-up lines just for fun. Not to actually pick them up or anything, just to be awkward and say I did.


But I am a girl. And that's pretty cool too.

And that's a wrap!