Thursday, August 1, 2013

If I Were a Boy

Original Plan: Make a list of ridiculous things I would have done if my father had bothered to give me the Y chromosome (instead, his stupid sperm was a stupid X. And why do I know genetics??).

What happened: Went on Facebook, saw something entitled "44 Reasons Why You're Chandler Bing" ( Sat there reading them  going, yeah. I am Chandler Bing. Minus the bubble bath thing. I hate baths. Especially one with bubbles. I'd probably sit there looking like a cat with a shoe string.

I then decided that if I were a boy, I would be Chandler.

Final Plan: Tell what happened when I went to blog, then give ridiculous list anyway.

The List:

1. I would pee off mountains.

    Let's face it, as a female hiking can suck. Sure, the rocks are awesome to scramble over and the view is gorgeous and hiking can be the best place for inspiration, but when something tickles the bladder, I'm dancing around trying my best to hold it in for the next six hours. Peeing ain't fun. It's annoying and obnoxious Then, to make it worse, those guys I went with go prancing up the mountain, tell me to wait, and then scream to the land as they happily pee off the mountainside. Just because they can. Meanwhile I'm still dancing around secretly looking for a huge tree and wishing I had that freedom. So, yes, male me would be peeing off mountains all the freaking time.

Then there are goats. Who pee on mountains whenever in the heck they feel like it.

2. I would drive naked.
    Apparently a friend of mine did this. And because he was a guy, he got away with it. I am female. I have these ridiculous things called breasts. They make it completely inappropriate to drive without anything on top at all. Unless I'm in France. And, frankly, I don't really want to be entirely topless. But if I were a guy, I could drive around without a top and be comfortable doing so. And pray to God I didn't get into an accident where the police people showed up and I had to explain why the ambulance people pulled me out of the car in the nude.

3. I would have a hot girlfriend (read explanation please)

     I was lying on my friends' floor staring up at my legs when I announced that I want to be a guy so I can stroke my girlfriend's legs and they will be amazingly smooth and soft because she shaves, unlike my sometimes hairy self. Then my friend turned around and looked at me thoughtfully. Then said, as if it were a great epiphany that explained the world, "if you were a guy, your girlfriend would be HOT".
4. I would be an amazing boyfriend.
    My mom told me this. After I told her how if she weren't my mother I would slow dance with her at a Lumineers' concert then go on a moonlit walk by the river, followed by a mini-picnic.
   Either that or I'd make a pretty remember-able one-night stand (or whatever the asexual version of that is called).

5. I would wear my pants NOT saggy.

6. I would wear NOT SKINTIGHT pants.

Technically these fit 5. and 6. But um...

7. No parachute pants either

8. I would secretly cry during tear-jerkers
    Because as a guy, I would somehow be more sensitive than I am now.

9. I would have a beard. And a unibrow. Preferably those crazy wizard ones.
Like this.
10. And a mustache.
like this

11. I would go through the sci-fi section in Barnes and Noble and not get weird looks from employees.
    I guess females aren't allowed there or something? Unless they are gushing to their husbands about the book on smoothies they just found for half-off and OHMYWORD THERE IS KALE!!

12. Most importantly: I would hit on girls with ridiculous pick-up lines just for fun. Not to actually pick them up or anything, just to be awkward and say I did.


But I am a girl. And that's pretty cool too.

And that's a wrap!

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