Thursday, January 2, 2014

That Cliche Post About 2013

It's the 2nd day of 2014 and I've been thinking about stuff (and giggling with friends on beds and playing Scrabble and babysitting crazy people). Mostly the past year and everything that those twelve months have cumulated into. A lot of it sucked. I mean, ripped through my entire being stole my world from me sucked. Other parts were awesome. Through the sucky and the awesome, I learned a lot. Or, sometimes finally learned something I should have learned a while ago. 

So, here's part of my 2013.

1. I started college. Most people start up in the fall, but I shook my fist at tradition and started in the spring. Except, I was really shaking my fist at the helplessness I felt and was deciding I wanted some say in my life. 

From this I rediscovered acting, discovered that I love plays (as somehow, I never really explored them before), and got my license. 

2. Writing is definitely part of me. If I stop writing, I stop being a decent person. So to not kill people, I must write. 

Wait. I don't mean that when I stopped writing I actually killed people. I just was a really disgruntled, horrible me that I hope I never am again. 

3. I came to accept the fact that, yeah, I have depression. It happens. It is there. Beneath the surface. Partly situational, partly not. And that's okay. I'm not going to let it control me. I will be okay despite all the grey, because this world does suck, I can't deny that, but there are a lot of beautiful things I can learn to enjoy. 

4. I loved. I loved with my heart and soul turned inside out and it's not billowy, it's not all flowers and picnics and happy songs. Turns out love is anything but the romantic we are taught it is. It is raw and painful and so intense it actually is breathtaking. I loved until it hurt. Partly because maybe it wasn't returned, and maybe it never will be, and maybe it broke my heart in the process, but dammit, did I love. 

5. I learned to fight for myself. 

I have fought most of my life. For God, for my brother, for my mom, for friends, but for the first time ever, I decided that I am worth the fight, too. From this I got loads of self-confidence (which, for the record, I actually had already, more than most people, but I got a ton more). I began to look in the mirror and be okay with who I was looking at because it didn't matter what other people thought, it didn't matter what I looked like, I was valuable, I had plenty to offer the world and if people judged me on my appearance, their loss. 

6. My parents officially got separated. Through a restraining order and loads of drama, but Dad no longer lived at home and my mom got Divorce papers sent out. I have no idea how people view divorces, but they aren't fun. Not for any children involved. This one was slightly more dramatic than some in it's coming about since my dad isn't the most mentally sound person, but still, I can't imagine that most divorces are somehow easier on the kids. 

Also, despite being 19, when these things aren't supposed to affect me because I am old enough now to not care or feel or something like that, this did affect me. A lot. My dad was officially out of the house two days before my birthday, which was pleasant, and it screwed up what was supposed to be a really nice day. Not only have I had to deal with all the responsibilities of being the middle man between my parents and both of their remarks about each other, but they are my parents. They raised me Christian. They read the Bible. So, I always thought they would stay together. That when everyone else in my family was divorcing, they wouldn't. So it was a pretty big hit that the divorce papers are out there. 

7. I had my heart broken. Yeah, yeah. Teenage angst. But, it happened. It's there. Still there, actually. And in some ways, it was good. It definitely helped me better myself. It taught me how to forgive. How to not hate random people I have never met. Taught me that sometimes, it's okay to show up at someone's door and immediately break down because, guess what, I don't have to hold myself together all the time. Being broken sucks, but it also helped me to grow in a lot of ways. 

8. I learned some cool car stuff. 

9. I got myself back. This is super important because, well, losing yourself is never good. I don't suggest it. And getting yourself back is super hard and sometimes terrifying. 

10. I went to awesome concerts. Switchfoot, Family Fiction/The Lone Bellows/The Now Now, Relient K/The Almost, The Lumineers/Dr. Dog, and Creation Fest (with way too many bands, but Switchfoot again). And I mean AWESOME. Switchfoot is fantastic, I had so much fun at Relient K, and The Lumineers was magical (it was an outdoor concert with a river nearby and stars and a city skyline and then them and their music). 

11. I stopped trying to be "the perfect Christian". Or whatever. I'm not a typical Christian. I never have been. A long time ago I stopped trying to make people think I am perfect and I am okay and nothing is ever wrong. I don't judge people based on appearance. I try to include every kind of person in my group of friends. I question God. I fight with Him. I want to punch Him in the face and cry into His shoulder at the same time. I think when others say stop. I am constantly told by Christians that I have to be something that I'm not. And I am done with it. I stopped trying. I started just being impossible, fighting, questioning, curious me. So I don't call myself a Christian anymore because when I look at Christians, I don't see myself and I started embracing that warrior girl who loves no matter who you are. 

12. I questioned. I questioned a lot. My sexuality (as in if I am sexual), my ability to love, my relationships, everything I have been taught since I was little,  what I want in life. All sorts of stuff. I think I like most of the answers I got. Most. Some I want to punch in the face and stab with multiple swords. 

13. I am lucky enough to have someone who came back to my in January and proved that sometimes, there are people who are just meant to be together, whose bond will not be broken. Not permanently. And this person isn't a Significant Other. Not in that way anyway. 

14. I collected the weird habit of writing lists. I used to never write lists. Now they are everywhere. 

15. Oh! I almost forgot. I worked at a Preschool and loved loved loved it. I want to go back in time and hug all of the days those kids made me laugh and smile and all the times I was able to make them laugh and smile and all the hugs and games and secret faces being made behind the teacher's back. Those months of working there helped me get through life and showed me that I might want to work with younger children all my life because they are incredible. 

So, there's a strange synopsis of my year in no particular order. 

I'm hoping for a better 2014 with a whole lot more epic moments, but I'm just grateful to have another year to learn and grow. Hope you all are having a wonderful 2014 so far and that this year is better than the last, whether 2013 smiled upon you or frowned. 

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