Tuesday, February 5, 2013

What Boyfriends SHOULD be Good For (But, unfortunately, aren't)

Valentine's Day is around the corner (Okay, not really. I think the librarian I crushed on when I was 13 is around the corner, but that is beside the point). That means LOVE.


If I were a cat, that would be me exactly. But, I'm not a cat. I'm a human. So I don't look absolutely adorable while making that face. And because I am a girl and have a Person I am supposed to look like this:

Hahahaha. No. Never. Not once did I look like that because valentine's day was approaching.

Last year I kinda almost got excited - until my plan got ruined.

The Plan: First year with a Boy Person. Whatever. To be totally anti-valentine's day as per usual, I wanted to break up the day before Valentine's Day and get back together the day after, and thus be single on the day of love. And my FSM (friend soul mate) could totally be my valentine. Or my Mango could be, as that's just how things go down. But No. The Boy had to get all upset at the very idea of breaking up - even for on day.

Plan ruined.

So, obviously he had something planned, right? Nope. He texted me the day before to let me know that he can't hang out (yeah. That was the big maybe plan), there's a concert in the city. He took his brother.

So. In honor of him and that memory....  Even though it took a while to get here....

Things Boyfriends SHOULD be Good for but AREN'T

1.) Making you like Valentine's Day
     If you forgot why I'm saying this, go take a walk with ducks and steal some of their memory. You need it. But, really, for someone who HATES valentine's day, having a boyfriend should at least make it bearable. But, that's what best friends are for. She will call you up and serenade you with your favorite songs and recite poetry to you while your boyfriend is taking his brother to a concert.

2.)Taking you to IHOP when there are free pancakes and you will whack off an old woman and steal her keys just to get those free pancakes
    Oh, yeah, Happy National Pancake Day! On National Pancake Day, there should be a law: Boys, take your girls out. The food is freeeee. But, alas, alack, how few boyfriends actually do this. (okay, maybe most do. I'm assuming right now that everyone has really bad boyfriends. For you who have awesome amazing boyfriends, enjoy your pancakes!)

3.) Romantic Walks in the Snow
   As in, when it is snowing out and if you like snow, he says "Let's go for a walk (preferably in the woods)" and it's all pretty and awesome and like a movie. Instead, you say, "let's go for a walk" and he says "It's cold out" or "I'm hungry" or, even better, "I'm late to meet up with (insert name of the male friend you refer to as his Boyfriend)".

4.) Flowers
    Ha haha hahaha. Yeah. Right. No matter how many times eyebrows are waggled, flowers are never in his hand.

5.) To Read the Guy Perspectives You Write
    Really. I was really excited when we began going out - I finally had a guy to critique Dave's stuff. That was what I needed, he's my Person, it should work, right? Uh, no. So warning girls, guys are stupid and like video games better. Unless you have Mr. Freaking Perfect. In that case, lend him to me, please? Just for a week. For Dave's sake.

6.) Helping you figure out what to wear
    So cliche, but most chicks do try to make guys do this, so I'm putting it up there

7.) Taking you to the Ren Faire
    My boy actually did this, by the way. But most guys roll their eyes at this. So, look for a guy who will go and put up with you squealing over the leather notebooks and ink pens.

8.) Talking Books
    You read a great book, you wanna share it with someone, right? If there is a great love story and you actually like the love triangle, good luck getting your boyfriend to share your delight.

9.) Taking you to see Les Mes
   This may be over a month since the movie came out, but oh well. That's what boyfriend's should do. Instead they complain and make faces and don't understand why you want to listen to people singing for hours. VERY disappointing.

And last but not least in a ridiculous rant against boyfriends that I decided to subject my blog to...

10.) For Understanding Those Days When All You Want To do is Eat and Eat and EAT
    I mean, really, he's a BOYfriend. Boy. As in "I love to stuff my face whenever possible". You'd think they understand those days when food is amazing amazing amazing. Nope.

What his face looks like when I am SUPER hungry (not really, but close)

But, then there are times when school was really stressful and he appears with a bag of chocolate or the milkshake you were craving and ready to kill for and it's all okay.

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